Writing a book is hard, and often thankless. It takes years of effort. You have to fight throughout against pessimism – not just the doubts of other people, but your own as well. You probably won’t make any money. And when your book actually reaches the marketplace, you can bet that some people will say mean things.
I know these things because I have written books, two of them. I have been extremely fortunate in that both of them have been published. That result was a combination of skill, luck and EFFORT.
While publishing two books makes me kind of glamorous, at least in my own mind, I can tell you that book writers are very sensitive people. We want the world to welcome our creations. We want our friends to value how hard we’ve worked. We know that fame is unlikely and if it comes, will be fleeting. We write books because we want to say something. Maybe we have a special idea, or maybe we just want to leave some mark.
Do you think your birthdays are important? Well, to a writer, writing a book is like ten birthdays, maybe twenty.
Have you lost weight recently? What would you like your friends and family to say? Maybe something on the order of, “Wow, you look AMAZING! I’m so happy for you. How did you do it?” Same with writing a book.
Do you love your baby? What do you want your friends and relatives to say when you show them pictures of your kid? I believe you might like them to say something like, “wow, you have the most amazingly gorgeous baby ever." Am I right? Same with authorship.
When things touch our soul, they are beyond logic and practicality. If you have a friend, relative, or distant acquaintance who writes a book, I can guarantee what they want: for you to share their joy. That’s it. End of story. Share. The. Joy.
Here are some things that you might say when your friend writes a book (all true-life examples):
“Congratulations! That is so awesome!”
“Wow, I am proud even to know someone who has written a book.”
“I just ordered my copy and can’t wait to read it.”
“I really liked what you said about [insert anything here]. It really struck home for me.”
“You know, my uncle/cousin/neighbor needs to read this, and I am going to buy a copy right now.”
And here are some things you should not say (all are true-life examples):
“I remember you were talking about that” (said with vague, expressionless tone)“Why did you write a book about _______? Why not something for a broader audience?”
"Do I get a free, autographed copy?"
“Are you on The New York Times bestsellers list yet?”
“You should try to be an Oprah pick!”
“Oh, right. I meant to get that. Do you have a copy on you that I can buy from you?”
When I published my book, The Creative Lawyer, I got both kinds of responses. Same for The Student Body, a novel I co-authored with three people about ten years before.
A good number of my closest friends did not really do the supportive thing. I will mention no names. But other people went beyond the call of duty, and I remember them all. My sister, Jocelyn, immediately ordered two copies from the ABA, which was a considerably more expensive way to get it than Amazon, all the more compelling because she was borderline unemployed at the time and supporting a family of five. My friend Melinda bought five copies. My friend Karl bought a copy, did all the exercises in the book, then bought more. In fact, his B&N review said, “Back to buy more!” which is about the best title for an online review you could ever hope to have.
The Creative Lawyer may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for me it is as significant as twenty birthdays. It has been my spiritual child. Publishing it meant more to me than being on the cover of Men’s Health’s “Ripped in Their 40’s” special issue. I want people important to me to share in that.
If you happen to read any other of my posts, you will know that I am friends with, and a fan of, Gretchen Rubin, whose long-awaited book, The Happiness Project, just came out on December 29.
I pre-ordered my copy months ago. I wrote a review on Amazon. And then I bought some other copies: for my sister, Jocelyn; for my cousin Lola in Phoenix; and for my cousin Ermila in Yuma. I would have bought more, except that Amazon set some kind of limit, maybe to prevent rank-inflation shenanigans. She never asked me to do any of these things and, until now, I haven't told her.
The Happiness Project is a great book (and the blog is equally great), so I probably would have done these things even if I didn't know Gretchen. I like to read good books, and I often recommend my favorite books to my friends, and sometimes buy them copies.
But you know what? Gretchen is also my friend. Friends support each other, especially at critical moments. And this is one of those moments.
This is is a lovely post, and you are clearly a wonderful friend to Gretchen Rubin. PS Your book The Creative Lawyer is wonderful! I learned of it from Gretchen's blog (can't recall at this remove, but I likely purchased from Amazon.com rather than the ABA; sorry about that!)....
Posted by: James Strock | January 03, 2010 at 07:59 AM
Thank you for this post. It took just over 3 years to write my book "Greenville" and another year for layout and self-publishing. I have had both kinds of reactions and frankly, after spending four years of my life working so hard on something, whether it's schlock or not, it's nice to hear encouraging words from the people closest to me.
Posted by: Mary Warner | January 04, 2010 at 07:48 AM
Hello, Michael. I enjoyed your post. As a fledgling tween speculative fiction novelist, I especially appreciated the things *not* to say. I blog for a pro flash fiction magazine (stories < 1000 words). The issues you covered are not quite as severe for flash fiction. ("I started the story yesterday and finished this morning.")
In my response to your post, I added a few tongue-in-cheek suggestions for additional things not to say.
FYI, I found your post by way of PW.
Posted by: William Highsmith | January 04, 2010 at 10:35 AM
Thank you, Michael. This is a great article, and got me thinking that I'm not alone. I recently published my first book, and have faced similar responses/reactions.
Thank you!
Posted by: Elisa Balabram | January 08, 2010 at 06:10 AM
Elise,
The title of your book is exactly what I tell my clients -- collect a lot of information from other people, then decide yourself what to do. In fact, I say that when you have collected contradictory advice is when you know you've done a robust inquiry -- then you use your own critical thinking skills to process. If everyone is saying the same thing, you probably haven't talked to enough people.
And I just ordered a copy of your book!
Michael
Posted by: Michael Melcher | January 08, 2010 at 08:00 AM
michael - with my book out only a short 8 days, i've already gotten all the responses (good, not so good) and you have perfectly captured how i feel. I've been blown away with kindness and still dealing with the surprise disappointments. You are a good friend AND you have provided the #missmanners of how to treat an author/friend.
Posted by: Nilofer Merchant | January 13, 2010 at 07:43 AM
Michael,
I just saw your response to my post and I appreciate it. And thanks for ordering the book! Let me know what you think.
All the best,
Elisa
Posted by: Elisa Balabram | January 18, 2010 at 11:29 AM
You are absolutely right. I wrote one book, and I have two close friends who are fiction writers. The ONLY thing to do is buy the book.
And I think Ms. Rubin's book sounds great, despite Penelope Trunk's agnostic post!
Posted by: Yalechk | January 19, 2010 at 07:09 PM